Now you go ahead and think what you want. Let everyone around you justify their job roles by condemning myself and anyone like me. My only goal in life is to get out of it as fast as possible. I refuse to use people as you obviously have. Even if a lot of them had it coming. I used to insult the hell out of a young man right and left. He never knew I was insulting him so unmercifully. No, I never felt bad for having done so. Just got tired of it, and then gave it up as being a waste of time.
I don't give a shit what you may or may not think about me personally. You may have been convinced in thinking that I speak so because I am not 'rich' as you show yourself to be. Is that what everyone tells you? Is this how they keep you away? Well, when the money runs out, we'll see how good of a friend they are to you. Me? I'm already laughing. You've been taken in by the obvious. I sympathize with the A.C.D. character Sherlock Holmes. Most others for some unknown reason overlook what's obvious to me; it forever puzzles me to no end, because like the ability to see and write both directions, it's so easy it's child's play.
I look up at the sky and see airplanes frequently overhead, then rockets. I look at the sky, it's a dirty colour. I see the ground and the dead soil where man has killed it, put houses over the good soil that's left. Man can't stop having more kids, so the pressure pushes the non-human animals into extinction as man kills out of more hunger, more stupidity. No, I don't understand humans. I never want to truly be one of the human races. I am not guiltless myself of using up resources like paper and such. I know what I've done and continue to do. I minimize what I can. At least I'm not a murderer-so far. No, I never want any children. Such a thought is a horror to me. Not just because of my past, either. A future is taking place that scares me to no end, and I don't want to leave a legacy to my children and their future children's children. When I was small I felt it. Oh, the variations of it differed, but the overall theme with the larger government and the corruption, manipulating people to follow blindly without thinking for themselves, all that is exactly the same as I feared all those years ago. In a lot of ways I envy those who are dead now, because they won't have to live in such a horrible future.
Oh yes. That reminds me. If you do decide on a gun to the brain, just make sure to go for the temple of the brain, tilted a bit, to get the backside of the brain. It's a lot quicker that way. Death only takes ¾ of a second, then. Decapitation can take anywhere from 5 to 11 seconds to die. That's too long.
When you die, will you expect to take all your wealth with you? When your wealth runs out, will your 'friends' still be there? How many have you bought? Do you know what you're doing? Do you know what you've done? Do you think you'll be able to change at your journeys end? Can a leopard change its spots? Do you think anyone could or ever would trust you then to no longer be ruled and judged by the material positions and values you once knew and upheld? I doubt it. I also doubt that you'll ever understand how I think or could even feel. More than likely you'd be way off base in that, also.
When I see others, I'm looking not at them on the whole; only a portion. I see not so much as at their skin. I'm reading what it's telling me. I can often tell how much longer they have to live by their skin, their overall health, and so on. I don't see them, I am never overwhelmed or thinking what they assume I'm thinking.
It's sad to know that so few, if any, will ever understand what I've tried to explain as carefully as possible. The voices remaining try the best they can, but the music dies. I can't create this way. Mayhap I can call on the soul mates who helped me so long ago. If it weren't critical, I wouldn't do so. You don't want to meet with an Immortal if you can help it. They aren't what you think.
It's sad that music of today has so little substance in it. For the most part it's just noise. There's no meaning to it. They sing as if they're just plain ol' bored. I blacklist them all when they sing so. It's such a shame, because some may have some pretty good lyrics. No, I'd never come forth and try my hand at singing. Some claimed I had a terrible voice, while others said it was pretty good. No matter. I only sing to exercise control, so I can speak more clearly, at least for a time. That's the penalty of having had aphasia. Even now after all these years speaking very long isn't so easy for me. No, I'm staying well away from such a life of excessive pompous wealth. I want nothing to do with it.
I'm not kidding when I say that I can feel my very soul drain. It makes for a very agonizing death when it gets too low. Too many humans is the worst condition for me to be in. The desolation of IL took most of my life substance-soul. I've recovered basically, but not that well.
Yes, I'm a music critic, but not publicly will I ever voice myself. Just for my own reference. The gold markings are for those that were done to perfection, and need no improvement. They couldn't have been done any better. The silver markings are when a song is good, but it could've been done better. No, I can't tell you how. Not always. Sometimes I know what could've been done to improve it. When there is no marking, the song's not worth listening to again. If there is no marking on any song, the album is 'tipped the black spot' and never listened to. I sold off all the black marked CD's. Of course, sometimes an unusual event happens, like with 'The Wall.' Most of the songs are silver, but the album is gold. The album is judged according to the way it's arranged, the overall arrangement of the songs as well as the quality of the songs.
You should know better by now. Appearances can be deceiving; in my case especially. My income and where I live don't match. I refuse to stand on some protocol. Like it or lump it.
Let's see. No, I never confused forward and backward writing, or speaking. No, I can't speak backward or 'with a forked tongue.' I had to train myself to speak so I could be understood. My only therapists were music, and John Denver was a major part of it since he had the voice control. (Try keeping up with the last sentence in his song 'Spirit' if you don't believe me. I saw him in concert, so I know it's not just a studio trick.) I taught myself to write backward; only one I had any trouble with was the 'z' so after I wrote it forward, then I was able to write it backward with no problem. I really do prefer writing backwards, if only for privacy reasons. Mayhap that's also why my penmanship is better.
I have a tendency to look into the future possibilities. They're often not my futures, and many I never want to come true. For the most part, I hope they never come true because it's devastating when they do. If I try to ignore the possibilities, go through life as if I never see the possible scenarios, it'd be similar to ignoring the steam roller that's about to smash me because I was too stupid to get out of the way of it. (Ever watch how fast a snowplow goes? The ones I'd seen went quite fast.) Yes, I really do want to be wrong in many of those bad scenarios I see within the actual future, and especially those 'most likely to be true' ones.
When someone commits suicide, it's a capitol shame, true. It reflects just how bad society is, and certainly for the one who took its own life. Even so, I will not dwell on it, or write a song about it (Princess Diana) and Elton John, make a big deal out of it, or claim they were cowardly to do what they did. It's one thing to write and sing about a more general suicide, it's another to focus on an individual's suicide.
I know only too well that when you take your life in your own hands you have to embrace bravery and go beyond. You must overcome your natural fears of the unknown in order to carry out the act.
Let's see if I can get this right. I'll try to describe the steps as much as I can. To do so properly, I'll try to describe bravery. That is, upon recognizing the situation, you evaluate whether it's a worthy cause or not. Then you swallow your fear, making fear your backbone. With fear as your backbone, you go forth to meet the unknown, forever hounded by fear trying to force you back. You forever have to keep fighting fear as you go forth into the unknown. This is the requirement for bravery.
When you commit suicide, you must go a step further. You must now release all feeling. All emotions die; fear, love, hatred, compassion, etc. all die as you no longer care. You have to kill them all. If you didn't you'd never be able to go through with the suicide. When you slice your wrists, use a gun, or commit hari kari, you don't scream or feel it any more than you would an annoying fly buzzing in your face. In a way I was there. I was pulled away by something not quite human. It would've happened again, but the Immortal wouldn't let me die back by expiration in '83. Yes, I managed to severely wound most of the emotions. I think I killed a couple. I call it suicide because it was death by starvation.
We didn't get where we are without working for it. Nothing comes naturally without working towards that goal. If you have enough curiosity and you love what you're doing, along the way it'll be a pleasurable learning experience. It's the same for everyone. You must ask yourself if taking the time to achieve the same level as the one in question is worth it. If the answer is yes, take the challenge of obtaining as much, or more, knowledge as the one you envied. If the answer is no, don't stew in jealousy. Use the information as you need it. Usually those who have the knowledge you need will provide it to you. Not if you're going to put forth a jealousy and hatred act, though. A very simple method to get rid of the negative emotions; when used such, the negative works in your favor, not against you.
No great calculus secret, nothing difficult to memorize. Strange, isn't it? No, it's not the answer to all of creation. No one has any answers. It was George Harrison who said, '... He who knows does not speak. He who speaks does not know, and I go 'round in circles...' I really was restored on music amongst other information. Well, mayhap it's not all it's cracked up to be. Again, how can it hurt you?
I'm not quite a berserker, but I rarely remember certain things when the cold one takes over. It took me 25 years before I could 'see' how the bicycle accident actually took place from the time my knee smashed into the car and I curled up as I went over the hood. I always remembered the shoulder bouncing and the orange racecar that almost ran over me after I landed. Bodysurfing saved me from the head injuries. I used to curl into a tight ball as I'd dive under a wave because all of the surfers would often lose their boards nearby in the surfing area where I was. There weren't any straps on the boards back then.
Come to think of it, I don't remember the bicycle incident in town a few months ago. I now have a dot like scar on my inside left wrist as well as a cursive arrow on the inside left elbow. No, it's not quite an arrow through me.
I have put most of my beliefs and philosophies into the music imagery. It's all mixed with a lot of fantasy. Also, I use many a different personality, or temperament, in order to create the imageries and scenarios. I claim to be like none of them, and all of them in a way. After all, I wrote them. Most are influenced by others. I don't often agree with the personality type, but that's what others can understand. As a writer, I use whatever works. John Lennon said the same thing, I believe. If what I read is accurate, you do something similar with imaginary situations. Even so, I cannot freely give you anything that may jeopardize my future writings. I was never a rebel without a cause.
I do so hope I don't scare you to death after you read the writings. On the other hand..... it may be an indication of success as a horror writer. Whichever way it goes, so be it. They're not exactly polished just first drafts pretty much.
I won't force anyone to go against his or her wishes. Look at it this way. I could've given you the disk so you could eventually give me you conceited opinion. (My cats give me their conceited opinions all the time. They'll never give me any other type.)
We see through the plots others build up around those like yourself. Like the planet that's going to hell in a hand basket at a fast pace, we are too few, and we can do nothing to stop it. Our attempts would be as effective as trying to stop a locomotive 'on a dime' when it's going a hundred miles an hour. It grieves us, we never cease to mourn for the once beautiful planet. We want it to be returned safely back to us.
There's a friend, Steve, who's heavily into Marilyn Manson music. At first it was a simple rebellion. Now he is changing, becoming more of a psychopath; psycho maniac anyone? Steve is being captured very subtlety by a music influence that is more harmful now than beneficial. It's a trap easily fallen into. I could've done the same thing. It's funny. Steve thought he was rebelling against the military life, when in reality, he's being reeled in to that same way of life. It's just taking another route, but the initial end result is the same. It's a religion like any other.
The principal is a lot like jealousy. You have to be able to stand back, look at the overall picture, and question what's happening to you. Not just once or on some spread out timetable of every two weeks or so. It has to be done all of the time. It's too easy to get taken in by whatever seems good to you at the time. If you don't hold the influential elements at a distance, you won't be able to use them to your benefit for very long. Like jealousy, they'll go bad, just as Steve is being taken over. That's why I'll survive the horrors of what just happened to turn me away from ... forget it. Just know that my standing back and forever examining what's taking place is a technique the Immortals have included when I was restored. I was given many mental 'cursed gifts' that I have to use forever to avoid the pitfalls of the dark side. It's tricky and not always easy.
I guarantee that whenever jealousy shows its 'face,' you'd better stop immediately whatever you're doing and seriously examine what's taking place within you. If you put it off, for whatever reason, it'll be too late, and it won't matter if it's even a minute later. Wait and you'll be the loser. It's your soul, not mine. How you take care of it is up to you. Jealousy has a nasty habit of eating every soul alive when left unchecked. Like most 'harmless' games, at the beginning it seems harmless until you're caught up in it and it's too late.
If you choose to laugh and disregard my warning, you do so at your own peril. You and I will never know each other any more than now should you decide to remain the perfect gilded prisoner singing so prettily in your shiny cage. Even if you don't, the doubts are pretty high.
I don't know if I could ever speak much after what happened. I still haven't recovered. My soul continues to die. The others do the best they can, but it only delays it. No, I couldn't start or attempt any corrections. I don't have that kind of tyme. The death stone just may be for me now. I hate these slow deaths. I'd much prefer to go fast.
Sure hope I'm wrong about a lot of what I write. I so desperately need to be alone, yet the dark side threatens me whichever way I turn. It leaves me very scarred and scared. If I'm a philosopher, so be it. I'm my own psychiatrist because no one else knows me better than myself. After all, I never mastered the technique of divorcing me from myself. Jerry Lewis was right in The Nutty Professor. "If you don't like yourself, how can you expect others to?" I love that little speech he gave.
Yes, you can believe it. There are many fates far worse than death. I freely embrace eternal death if only to end the dark side within me. I'll give my eternal promise on that if I have to. (An eternal promise can in no way be broken or altered once given or made without destroying the soul, whereas a regular promise can be broken without creating any damage to the eternal soul or so the story goes.) As I said so many times before, there is a fine balance that can never be in any way, shape, or form altered between good and evil.
No, you really don't want to be burdened with a similar knowledge as I was restored with. Before the restoration, I had only my suspicions. Now they are certainties, yet I can prove none of them. Whatever happened to me was my experience alone. For everyone else it's all fantasy. Let it remain that way.
The day may come when you'll find that the material possessions of anyone will tell you nothing about the quality of the person. For example, let's say a couple humans are before you. They are both well groomed, cleaned up, clear eyed. One dresses in thongs, shorts, and a holey shirt. The other dresses in a $2,000.00 suit. You need the human to perform some scientific work that requires a lot of knowledge. If you're smart, you'll give each one a test to find out how much they really know. Chances are high that the person in the $2,000.00 suit will flunk. Do you know why? Because he put his money in keeping up with the Jones.' The other one put his money into his education and truly trying to improve himself mentally. What's upstairs is rarely reflected in wealth. If it were, we wouldn't need 'unnecessary' and 'useless' things like body language. It's too easy for a 'lover' to lie to you when you can't read the truth in their body language.
When and if the day breaks for your true realization of this I congratulate you. You've obviously forgotten that quality is never or rarely measured in wealth. If Jack The Ripper were a billionaire, I'd prefer to kill him before I ever gave him the time of day. I wouldn't hesitate to hand such a character over to someone like Johnny Tanner if I could. If you can, please try to open your eyes. You've been sheltered too long with a small crowd that no longer represents society as a whole. Oh. Please don't use the excuse that you found out I was married. So are you, or have you forgotten? If this is one of the excuses, it makes you a hypocrite. I know my future. It's set. I wouldn't change it now. I doubt anyone could change my mind for me.
Every soul is judged by its hue or colour. If the soul goes a deep black, the soul is destroyed, just as the Butchdyke's will be upon his/her mortal death. (My biological mother.) Most of the souls will be stored according to the colouring of their souls. Of these souls, most will mix, remix, and eventually lose all resemblance of who or what they were before they were. A few will refuse to mix. I refused many times. Even then, in the 'stellar nursery' of all souls, I was a loner.
Anyway, what concerns the immortals is the maturity of the souls. By committing suicide you send your soul backwards in its maturity. If your soul doesn't match the coloring of the immortals, you are recycled over until your soul reaches the developed stage to become an immortal-again. Since most of the souls mix so much while in storage, chances are they'll never come close to the same soul they had before they died in their last mortal life. As such, it's rare for any souls to progress beyond certain tints to their souls.
It doesn't matter if aliens visit us or not. So what? Do you make a big deal out of seeing a neighbor who lives next door to you? You see this neighbor on a regular basis, so why should you bother making a big deal out of it? It doesn't matter if we're visited by anyone from another planet in our galaxy or any other galaxy. When you can see galaxies lined in a row of many hundreds of thousands, and you see some craft going between the galaxies, it's no big deal. It's no different than if you went across town or the country of your own planet.
If our planet were destroyed in some manner, via some warlike aliens, or our own manmade hands more likely, it wouldn't matter. All the souls of every dead mortal will automatically go into the 'storage' areas the immortals have designed. Yes, including, but not limited to, the non-human souls. Then the souls will be processed and sent out to whatever planet that requires souls at the time.
If you can join with a soul mate that matches your own, jump at it. You could achieve your souls maturity faster. It can be done on your own, but it's harder, takes a lot more time, and a longer route. Next time your soul mate could be sent to another planet far away from yourself, if you have to continue with mortal lives. Most mortals choose to keep being recycled. Why, I don't know.
There are a lot of 'false' leads and a lot of obstacles to overcome before you can ever come close to a mature soul. Until then, the immortals won't give you the time of day. Instead, they'll keep tending to the soul distribution until one or more of the souls reaches the stage of achieving immortality.
In my restoration, music was used very heavily along with some information that in the wrong hands would be very dangerous. Once you can overcome your negative emotions, of which jealousy is the leader, you are nearing the maturity of your soul. This is what the immortals look for. Only then can you act with a rational judgement not clouded up in some personal vendetta. I may be locked into a negative way of thinking, but I refuse to give into it entirely. I have to give an equal measurement on any decision making I do. There lies the difference.
The ways of the Immortals and how we think compared to them is very different. That's why the Immortals took a complete reading of my soul. Otherwise we couldn't have understood each other. I could not have been restored as I was. Even then I think different than a lot of the 'humans.' You could say that the Immortals know me better than I know myself. They laugh and cry with my dilemma and many others. They cannot break their code of honor under any circumstances, as much as they'd want to.
I know it sounds contradictory but you really don't want to meet up with an Immortal and have your soul restored accordingly. For myself, I'm glad I had the chance, yet in many ways I wish I hadn't had the '83 experience at all. I know that some things are beneficial if used properly, but deadly if used wrong. I have knowledge I didn't have before the restoration. The temptation can often drive me crazy if I think about their power. It's tempting for me to use them all in a deadly manner. To do so would be to cut all human life from this planet, also ensuring that no violent creature could ever evolve again. Yet to do so I would be effectively committing suicide. Eternal death would be my guarantee. I know that I would've been better off never having the information.
Right now, I have a 50/50 chance of eternal death or eternal life or eternal death. Having seen and become one with the whole universe, it seems rather petty to be concerned only with the destruction of this planet.
Like I said, the events happened only to me. What I do know is that I'm barely hanging onto what's left of my sanity. Sometimes it gets worse than at other times, and always worse when there are more humans about. I really do need to be alone more than a lot of people. That's why I know I have only one future course left to me. It is my intention to be alone so I can maintain what sanity I still have, and recover all of what I can. If you can use anything to make your life better now, use it.
It really doesn't matter if it's all a lot of hogwash or not. You still need to ask yourself some pointed questions. Questions like 'How can this maturing of the soul hurt me?' 'What are they after?' 'Can I find anything to nail them with?' 'What has the writer got up her sleeve?' 'What does she gain, or lose, by telling me all this?' and so on. I neither gain or lose anything. For whatever reason, it can't hurt, and if you do meet an Immortal at the end of your mortal life, mayhap you'll have been better prepared for having conditioned your soul. Well, take it or not, it makes no difference. I won't be starting any cult, no religion. Why would I do something like that when I desire to be left alone? That's very contradictory.
No, you'll have to find someone else if you want a leader. All I can do is show you a path. It's up to you now. You'll have to go within upon taking the long and windy road. No one can make the journey for you. They will benefit, not you. I've done all I could. You know enough now to better yourself. You don't need me or anyone else. Just do the best you can to not get suckered in by the scummy humans. Along the way, avoid the bitter cold steel of jealousy and her related workers-hatred, greed, envy, etc. Then you'll do fine. You'll learn as you go.